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Always be prepared for acts of God.
Especially this one. If you're planning to be raptured, have a safe and enjoyable transition. But please remember that the Rapture isn't right for everyone, and many others will be left behind to continue civilization to whatever extent possible during the ensuing tribulation. So please make things easier on those left behind by taking simple steps to minimize the chaos and clutter during the difficult times ahead.
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Parking
Remember that alternate side of the street parking rules will remain in effect. Consider donating your car to a non-Christian charity, or leaving a set of keys with a non-believing neighbor.
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Utilities
Remember to turn off your utilities. Those left behind will be facing a thousand years of pain and suffering. Please don't compound that problem by leaving behind unattended gas lines.
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Sanitation
Be considerate of your heathen neighbors. Remember to take out your garbage and recycling the night before. Otherwise your apartment will become a breeding ground for roaches and other pests.
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Pets
According to the Bible, pets are not included in the rapture. This separation is traumatic for everyone. But there are many non-believers who love animals. Please make arrangements with one of them to care for your pets after your ascent.
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Taxes
If you're planning on being raptured, remember that Jesus said‚ "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's‚" and pay your estimated state, local and federal taxes for the period of January 1 - October 21. Overpayments can be adjusted in April if you find yourself unexpectedly left behind.
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Infants
Will infants be included in the Rapture? It's a question theologians still debate. So play it safe — if you're planning to be raptured, make sure you have a backup plan for any children who might be under the age of account- ability. If you cannot find a suitable relative or friend, contact the Department of Family Services.
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